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June 23rd, 2009
December 6th, 2008
05:31 pm
One more week to aching on the parade square with the heavy colours! : D
I dont know why i volunteered for it too. Its heavy; the steps are complicated; and to compound it further its stark and open to scrutiny. But i know at the end of the day, after our arms ached and if the colours stay intact, i'll be satisfied.
I was thinking about choices and it struck me how laziness can actually be such a real reason for a life less than lived. Its so convenient to assimilate into the crowd and to go through the motion. At best we excel within the confines of that prefixed system. Like do well for our exams or have our bosses be proud of us when its 5pm.
And maybe i used to think 'just follow your heart' was too cheesy; used so flippantly when we cant give better advices. Because its so simple. Too simple. But its really not that simple when you start worrying about logic and brashness and objecttivity getting into the way. The path of following your heart requires a certain level of boldness to accept the consquences yet unknown and a good measure of faith to make you journey the journey even if bandits robs you of your sense of preparedness that you started with so much.
I always feel funny inside when i see the blind uncles at cwp. I put myself in their shoes and i imagine for a moment how hard it is to even do the simplest tasks of everyday. How they may never have the competency to do more exciting stuff again. And i feel moved when i see the blind couple eating at the foodcourt. I thought about how he will never get to see the things that makes him like the girl when he could still see. It always reminds me that looks doesnt really matter. But i think more so, i always start thinking about what you like about the person versus the things they do that you like. Because one day someday someone will come along and do the latter so much better. Then im happy that they followed their hearts and liked each other so much.
*Birdee: Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will*
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November 16th, 2008
12:44 am
I felt so awake when i was treading the quiet perimeters of my estate during my impulsive midnight run ytd. Stride upon stride, without any reservations for what may come later in the day- the day is already over. I ran and the more I ran my legs lost strength but up in my mind I was gaining strength. Somehow in the disconnected contradiction, I sensed so clearly an answer from God I've been waiting for. And I really wasnt smoking when i led bs today that God gives us more answers than questions.
The worst trg so far was still embedded in leaders course. If one mission had the potency to make you so tired and disillusioned in a foreign land, imagine how we got through 11 days. Other than catching up on sleep we talked about people back at home, about the food we miss and the God i pray to everytime before i eat. And as if they are right there with us, we draw strength from remembering them and then we walk to fight another day. Its really amazing. The feeling of really really wanting to give up or collapse and then, between clenched teeth and faltering steps, that small little memory lets us fight on.
It must be precious. So we're willing to sacrifice and stake our last bit on it.
It must be trustworthy. So we're willing to go all out without the hesitating worry of whether it is worth it.
It must be sincere. So we know that a yes is a yes and a no is a no.
JUST LOOK AT WHAT I FINALLY FOUND BACK! :D
 behind every cdo aggression is something that is worth fighting for.
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November 13th, 2008
08:22 pm - Behind every great love is a great story.
Young Noah: Would you just stay with me? Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin' Young Allie: So what? Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
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October 30th, 2008
06:36 pm
Thanks for the thought : ) Good thing lousy stuff doesn't come thrice in a row.
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October 29th, 2008
09:16 pm
Its book-in day and ive been thinking about how "thats why its more".
While the number of pandas is dwindling, their recognition is building. I imagine that once when they were still very populous, most of the world might have only knew them as bears who got into fights with bamboo poles. Anw, the fact that they're scarce makes them very precious. And the gist about "thats why its more", because it is little, hinges on our propensity to only miss that which is going to pass by. An abundance of anything makes us excited initially, then it fades quietly into a getting too used to.
So it makes me more aware that each day, we have things that we have to add life to: make a someone smile, pour into a friendship, or inject zest into our otherwise clockwork lives. As we catch glimples of the plethora of God's whispering blessings in our lives, may we always behold each little divination as small as what it is, and as profound as what it actually is. Sometimes i wonder why we dont have shattering earthquakes or splitting seas in our time anymore. But i think God wants us to take a little heart and effort hear him say "thats why its more".
HAPPY SOUTHERN DEEPAVALI!
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October 27th, 2008
05:05 pm - foxtrot, warrior. airborne, ranger.
In and out of taiwan, in and out of taiwan.
Each time i go, and stay for 3 wks, i cant help but notice that time changes stuff. Spending every moment of work, sloth, and presence really brings people closer together. Very closely. Towards the end of the frame, we always end each other sentence, affirm each others' humour and we know exactly the thing to do for someone. And its surprising that the people we know now were just arbitrary hi-byes 3 wks ago; scary that those we were close to now remain close only by virtue of good memories.
At the end of 3 months long courses, we're convicted of carrying each other on a stretcher no matter that our body ached and our limits forgone.
How am i suppose to imagine what 3 years can do, or undo? God help me trust when i cant bear.
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October 4th, 2008
07:20 pm - so are you a traditional or a risky?
When i went for my psych interview this morning, i felt like 3 hours of sleep wasnt enough and i had to make my lifestory as short as possible so i could catch up on sleep. My interviewer was a really nice lady with an accent. And her accent made me feel better since she was there to find out whether i'll survive or crash and burn overseas. Her attention to details both comforts and humours me. I can really feel her listening to all that ive got to say supportively. And she has tiny facial expressions whenever words like "commando, parachute, missions, detention barracks, expectations, adventure races" were mentioned; like she couldnt uds what people have to do stuff like that. She reminded me of someone.
As she probbed deeper and i felt more at ease with her accent, i began to smile at how we had to clarify a few anormalies from my schooling experiences to those from the army. Issues like coping with failures, uncertainties and feeling emotional stood out and that was then i decided that it wasnt a bad thing because this past 10 mths has changed smth within me. The need to answer her questions made me really think about who i am now because of any events that has happened in the last 12mths. I always tell the army guys that ns is like someone pressing the pause button of your life then losing the control for 2 yrs. You're always doing something but you're doing nothing at all.
Now i begin to feel like the pause isnt a lack of significance. You know like when we pause a show, we usually have smth impt to attend to first. And we want to do it and come back without missing a frame of the show because its really impt too. Or like when i pause a show it means i didnt see smth impt clearly before, so i have to pause then rewind and play. Thank You cos now i see 2008 as divine to allow me to carry on the show without missing a frame of You.
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September 29th, 2008
03:31 pm - *if you're not willing to sound stupid you dont deserve to be in love*
We all need to come to terms that our walk with God isn't a slow uninterruptted walk in the garden most of the time. I did after a talk, some snacks and thinking. Like how the first time we did the high elements ropes course, my legs shaked and my voice quivered hahaha. What is within us comes out naturally when we encounter risks. The first time i jumped out of the plane, i thought to myself i would rather be anywhere in the world doing anything but this. After months of inane studying, 2 decisive and cruel hrs at the A levels papers each.
Everyday we wake up and we brush our teeth. Sometimes we dont cos we're outfield.
Our days are composed of choices that we decide on whether we realise it anot. As if our day progresses simply because of each choice we make. And not making any is also an anti decision. You have to decide not to make any consequesntial decision. But thats the worst kind of decision. Yet its the most comfortable one because we postpone the immediacy of what we want to avoid.
There must be a reason why our bible doesnt resemble a quiet afternoon read. It speaks of rise and fall of kingdoms; of people; mountains and valleys; death and resurrection; jonah in a fish; the crucifix; david and his puny pebbles; peter sweating as the crows sounds. Its a really risky story; like Jesus risking to love us.
And probably the truest way to love God is attached with lots of risks too. When he calls, will i go and do and will i stay and not do. The worst thing is to detach the risks and to know God only on the peripheral and to do what is most safe and doctrinal.
I'll never forget what the jump instructor said to me as the plane ascended..
"how are you feeling now?
really scared honestly.
i've done over 500 jumps and i feel it every single time too.
you know why we're commandos?
everyone feels fear, but as commandos we must look at that fear for what it is and conquere it anyway.
thats what makes us different.
5 sec stand at the door"
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July 27th, 2008
03:35 am - well rounded brother : )
 Although we never say hey i'm proud of you kind of talk to each other, I usually feel proud of my brother because he shows me how you don't have to be perfect to be good. Not the conventional studious boy, my brother retook his A's cos he did badly and didnt do very well the 2nd time around too. I would have died cos A's is one of the things you want to do only once in your life- like eat a fried cockroach in a foreign land in front of everybody. I like how he will insensitively ask me to bug off cos he's too immersed in his task, and then later enthusiastically asking me to view his product. I think somehow people are impressed with people who possess that fidelity of focus in whatever they are doing then.
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July 20th, 2008
July 19th, 2008
12:13 am - oh man what a perfect letter.
I was in camp surfing the net and i found this really really sweet letter:
A letter I wrote my boyfriend before we started dating. For some reason I still am not so sure about showing him this letter.
Dear Matt,
I feel as though I have written over a thousand love letters to you inside my head, so I am going to take a different approach with this.
Stop looking at me and smiling. Stop being so much fun to be around. Don't be so interesting, witty, fun, goofy, and lovable. Stop having such a great sense of humor. Don't be so kind and considerate. Stop having such good taste in music and movies, with the exception of the 40 year old virgin. Don't pay for my dinner. Don't love my cats. Don't like Christmas as much as I do. Don't indulge in your child-like imagination with me. Don't tell me about all your hopes and goals because they're too similar to mine. Don't love the winter weather. Don't tell me about how much you like the city. Stop making me a better person.
You can't keep doing these things and expect me not to fall in love with you. You can't keep being this person and then tell me you don't feel the same way I do. Because if you don't love me then how will I ever find someone as good?
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July 6th, 2008
01:36 am - forever and ever babe.
My first week at ocs ended with everyone booking out, leaving junting and i in the duty room with the whole block to ourselves. Initially, it wasnt so bad cos everyone was joking about my duty but when the silence sets in on a supposed to be fun fri night you start to wonder why you're wearing green and why you're there and why... I think God planned for my fri duty because i had alot of free and quiet time to think through things which i have put off for a long time. Things that rightfully compels actions but comfortably invites procrastination.
Its so much fun with the boys from nj today. Cos we havent met in sucha long time we kept remembering all the funny/embarassing/illegal stuff we do in school like ponning a levels prep to eat buffet, the marina place where narean brings all the girls to, thomas and his superactioned laughter. And i really think that when you're really close with someone, you dont mind trading abit of harmless scarcasm because deep down you know they have already established that they like you for all your defects.
I was browsing through this witty book and one of the issues pondered upon was, "will you still love me in the morning?"- whether it is logical as a rhetorical question. The question carries a tinge of uncertainty over a duration concerning whether our feelings would change. When we're in love it always feels like "forever and ever babe" but it actually feels like that only while it lasts. I dont think we can actually say "i'll love you the same in the morning" because our feelings ebb when we're in different places around different people doing different things. You know, like when i'm fighting a mission in taiwan with my closest buddies... you tend not to feel so fully absorbed into someone as you feel when you're on say a date with her. So as we go from season to season, feelings do fluctuate.
But i feel all over again that love is so substantial it doesnt have to be circumstantial. Though someone else or things make you feel warm and fuzzy in the day, you still go to sleep and wake up being so sure of who you love when the morning arrives. Because if we let days go by without doing so, its so easy to get swept away by the pace and novelty of it all. You understand that while highlights of the weeks are so attractive; they dont cause the girl of your life to fade. This engenders uncertainty and insecurity but thats when you realise how feelings are faded by time if unguarded, prodding us to add on to our trust-worthiness on our part. So trust is like a reverse jenga, whereby both parties have to add on their wooden blocks of trust alternately.
So with much honesty i think we can all say forever and ever babe so we can sleep in abit later :D
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June 29th, 2008
03:32 pm - to ditch or not to ditch.
I'm so glad i spent 3 hours cleaning up my room today. Of all the things i can do before i embark on 6mths of gentlemanly training. While its uniform across the board that cleaning up your room is one of the lines in the universal motherhood creed, our interpretations of cleaning up differs.
When i was younger with more hair, cleaning up meant kicking up a fuss before compressing the whole world into spaces that were inconspicuous to my mum.
Then when my centre parting was no longer a fad, cleaning up meant conveniently making empty promises then arranging my stuff around.
If i didnt sign the moe bond i might have become a garang guni. All that i have i kept; thinking hey this might be useful someday. And all that i kept kept on growing until the blind spaces were all filled and rearranging didnt appease my mum. So maybe this says something about how i hold on to things. To me there will never be a same something. Maybe like pillows they produce identicals in bulk, yet there is something about your bolster that makes it yours. Cleaning up today felt like a time travel. Back in that moment those notes are written, those gifts are selected- when everything felt novel and precious. Dawned on me that time moves real quickly and those momentous emotions may have long changed and passed. Some i threw because i didnt realise someone gave me a cookie that i kept since christmas hahaha, some i kept safely in a ziplock because they are nebulous reminders of what was.
By the end of it i was really tired and there was 2 bags of throwaways. I dont know whether i'll say shit had i known they would stay someday but oh well sometimes we all need to throw to grow.
For all everything was worth :)
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01:51 am - 50 times and then more.
There are things you say before a group of friends whereby everyone enjoys the sense of belonging.
There are things you say to a special group of friends and everyone nods in timely empathy.
There are things you say exclusively to a best friend and he listens understandingly.
Then, there are things you dont say that are somehow heard and understood.
Sometimes, there are things you want to say but you ought not say no matter how badly you want to.
Now, I know I've things to say but I dont really know what to say.
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June 14th, 2008
10:37 pm - far far away in the south china sea.
Now that airborne course has nights out almost everyday, im filling my stomach with so much subways and changi v nasi lemak so frequently i start to know what it feels like to be called fat. Haha you know, like bad karma... or bad caramel. Everynight i like to sit on my bed to think about things with the notebook that has been through thick and thickets with me because it makes me feel more focussed and more aware of what each passing and coming day bring along. Oh man my fav was some of the pages that were marred with mud and camo... the entries i wrote when i felt like i would give anything to be home.
Im really confused this time.
As far as my 19 years has brought me through the different phases of life (being the biggest dude in kindergarten...being really slow to spell my name...so shy and quiet in primary sch...that annoying blush...four good years in swiss...sa...oh man nj... cdo bmt...leaders...airborne...ocs), i'd like to think that it was so divinely planned out for me that all i had to do was to trust and follow.
But that popped in only in retrospect.
At each stage, when i pondered about the next, i was always filled with so much excitement and uncertainty.
Getting the uk scholarship is a sad triumph. I feel like ever since i entered army, God's been teaching me alot about love and feelings and just basically making me feel alot more varieties of emotions i never did (or never wanted to) feel prior to ns. But all along i've been so task oriented i cannot let myself go without a best. And now right smack in the middle of a lovely transformation and the spirit of excellence God wants me to understand what is truly important.
Have i mentioned about a really lame ambition that i never told in class? Not the fireman or the policeman one, but the one to someday open a quiet and peaceful bakery. There i could wake up at 5 to knead dough and make bread until 7. And for the rest of the day familiar people would come get bread and they would stop and talk because i'll deliberately pack the bread slowly. And then nothing will be stored up for tommorrow cos everything will come at an instant freshly without anyone having to worry about tommorrow. At the end of the day, i'll give away all the surplus even if i make a loss cos i rather receive like smiles instead of non-smiling faces on notes. My son will be called the breadman's son and if he's naughty i can whack him with the cinammon stick haha.
And usually at this point i'll come back to reality and realise all the so many things i have to do to be acceptable. Even though i'm prob still gg to uk, i'll prob go knowing that good bread makes you smile more than good grades in 'life'. And so every morning its so important that when i wake up i must rem that... it all starts with bread.
nb: it just occured to me that some people dont like bread because its too plain. but its too plain cos they sometimes eat it too fast. the enzymes in our saliva slowly breaks down the carbo in bread such that only with a steady closed eyes chew that bread will taste sweet. but i swear nothing beats melted butter with kaya.
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May 11th, 2008
11:27 am - blk288d bt.batok st25 :)
Oh man. Can't believe 5 days leave is almost up. A part of me can't wait to finish taiwan and graduate from cslc; another thinks 14 days outfield is quite a challenge. There's something about army that makes all young boys cherish family more. I make it a point to eat with my family every bookout, even though im not hungry, because somehow you just want to do... when someone is important to you.
Over breakfast just now I had time to talk about my future with my mum. She just visited my uncle's church with my grandma last night.. And she thinks that when i grow up i'll become something pastorly. I told her i'll probably teach until all the students dont like me before i go teach somemore in a third world country. Im really glad when she says yah its important to do something meaningful in life.. drink more water in taiwan... sleep earlier...mum's talk.
Then dad came into my room and tell me its been exactly 5 months since i enlisted. He's always worried i'll be injured but he's really proud i'm in commandos. To train with the best, to jump off an airplane...to make the best of my 2 years in army. Since young my dad never chided me if i fail my exams. He always say pass can already its more important to enjoy what you're doing.
My bro's been weirdly nice too. Its good that he has gone through army already and now we get to exchange stories. He's always there to pause his games to advise me on my university route, to give me a mock interview, treat me to supper.
I conclude that support is really important for army boys. Its like you can be the best, but you feel empty because you dont have someone to be proud of you. I'll always remember how even though Chris went out of course he had his girlfriend with him the whole way. The pain of hearing the news and then the greater of pain of finishing bmt knowing it. And on graduation, standing beside me, his girlfriend turned and kissed him.
Even though it became the joke of our platoon, that night i saw that his eyes gleamed and his posture straightened... as if he was the company's best trainee.
Ah there see, who has the widest smile : D
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May 8th, 2008
09:02 pm
So age comes with becoming more serious in life. Lesser insanity more logic, lesser comics more words, lesser hearty laughs more stifled political laughs. I think for a long long time people didnt find growing up all that fun because the evil witches and chinese emperors started looking for potions and the blood of princesses in exchange for prolonged youth.
This year has flown by halfway so quietly with soldiers training and girls working. And in several more months time we'll be 20 and hahaha we're be in a different league of whole numbers. Amidst all the silent expectations and responsibilities that comes attached with being 19, i think we all need to be less serious in life anyway.
Not the kind of happy go lucky come what may not a care in the world approach; but a more hey i have seen this before lets try to do it better this time with a smile. Growing youths are entitled to make mistakes too and learn from them. I dont think we're too old to go for second tries. I just dont want to grow really old and lament about not letting my hair down (quick grow quick), not daring to step into new trails, and being tight lipped and too proper. Lets welcome growing up with the kind of look, that kind you show when the nightsky awes you. With wided-eye wonder and not a single bother.
Now i dont know whether i should do overseas or local...
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April 27th, 2008
02:17 pm - The Ballad of the Red Berets.
Fighting soldiers from the sky
Fearless men who jump and fight
Men who mean just what they say
Courageous men of the Red Beret
Silver wings upon their chest
These are men of Singapore's Best
A hundred men will test today
But only few win the Red Beret
Trained to live off nature's land
Trained in combat, hand-to-hand
Men who fight by night and day
Courageous men of the Red Beret
Back at home a young wife waits
Her Red Beret has met his fate
He has died for those oppressed
Leaving her his last request
Put silver wings on my son's chest
Make him one of Singapore's best
He'll be a man they'll test one day
Help him win the Red Beret.
The first time 2I/C sang this song we laughed till we teared because of the obiang tune and his word-for-word action. As he neared the last stanza, our hearty laughter uanimously simmered into a deep united sense of pride and responsibility. Although we only talked about the funny actions, deep inside we all knew that all the crap we're going through counts for something. Even without real wars and potential fatality, we brash young lads caught abit of what civilisations knew as courage and honour; both of which are cause and effects of each other.
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March 30th, 2008
12:10 pm - we start with bread.
Yah lah, I'm back again. Livejournal finally partnered photobucket so photos don't kill the words. I still admire the neat layout of wordpress but I figured I could do more to post photos than words this 2 years at least.
So... I dont know what to say because trainings are confidential. But one thing i really like is how trainings put me so far away from everything else and so near to fatigue, giving up, and privations; that somewhere in this challenging balance I am given the experience to love and be loved by God stride by stride, load upon load, amidst absurdities in challenge and a little lonliness even in a crowd.
Bookouts are becoming shorter oh man. I cringed everytime my mates say see you tomorrow. And so tomorrow can only get better. And today's my bro's birthday!
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